JymalotMusic

Jymalot Music’s Jym recently lost a bet with a friend and, as a result, sat for an interview with local 2009 high school valedictorian Brandi Megan Kylie Vanover-Smythe. Miss Vanover-Smythe was graduated with a 7.85 GPA, which tied her with 237 other seniors for the highest GPA honors at the Super Special Advanced Super Special Private Galleria High School. She was named valedictorian after classmates voted her Most Popular Girl With A $1,200 Purse.

At the local mall, near the cell phone accessories kiosk, Jym met with the trendy-dressed teen. The edgy, poignant , and stimulating interview, in its entirety, follows. Miss Vanover-Smythe’s questions are in italics. Jym’s responses are not.

 

Like, what is like, your favorite color?

Uhhhhhhh, well, green. And blue when I am looking at a girl. Her eyes. Purple and gold when I am watching a sporting event. LSU, Class of ‘74, you know.

Umm, okay. Fer sure. Is that, like, 1974? They HAD a year then?

Yep. Lasted 365 days.

Wow….. And what is your totally favorite food?

Favorite food, favorite food….. I like fried seafood. Catfish, shrimp. A good steak, medium well, that’s good. It’s hard to beat steak and potatoes. At Flemings. Or catfish at Berthelot’s, down on the Amite River in Louisiana on the outside deck, ceiling fans on high, watching the boats launch. And then there’s a good Spanky’s chocolate Russian daiquiri. Mmmm….. But, really, nothing is better to eat than a Lortab 10. Hey, you got any?

Hello… I’m, like a teenager. I don’t do drugs. Maybe if my boyfriend, Jacob Evan, wants to party after doing, like 10 belly shots at the club, we might swallow a tube before I do a BJ, just for fun, like, and if his crazy BFF Ethan has his pipe, that’s cool, ‘cause what’s a girlfriend for if she can’t do a double yummy BJ, like for real, ’cause I’m the best, they all say, ya know, and if, like, my best girlfriend ever, Mandi, if she’s got…

HEY! HEY! Forget it. Geez….look, next question.

Ouch. You’re so not fair.

No, no, it’s just we are getting out of synch. You are asking me questions and I am answering. Go ahead, please.

Well, just don’t be, like, bitchy, okay? Kaitlin does that, like, all the time, and I just hate it. I just hate it.

Okay, I’m sorry. Go on now, ask me your next question.

Fine. What is, like, your sign? You know, like in the astrology thingy. Wait!!! Let me guess…. you’re a, a Capricorn.

Close. A Virgo. Brandi, what was your ACT score in high school?

Huh?

Your A C T score. What was it?

Ohhhh, it was, ummm, like a 55 or something. I got bonus points for being in a special advanced special school. I think, I don’t know. I took it, like, 20 times each year starting in, like, 6th grade. By the time I was a senior, I had all the answers, like, memorized. It was easy. We went shopping after.

Perfect.

A Virgo. What month is that?

September.

Wow! And so, what is your favorite movie?

Brandi, do you have any questions that don’t begin with, “What is your favorite…?”

Oh, you’re just mean.

No, ask me anything. Anything without saying, “What is your favorite,“ first.

Fine. So, of all the movies you watched, like, do you have one you like the best?

…………Ha! Good job, Brandi. I give up. Okay, yes, The Princess Bride is my favorite movie of all time. AND my favorite book. So we can skip that next question. But I like Jaws, The Godfather, most anything by Hitchcock, Pillow Talk, Bye Bye Birdie, zombie movies, I like The Andy Griffith Show on TV, and The Sopranos, Rescue Me, Dexter, The Office, some Seinfelds, I like most any book by William Goldman, I’ve read a lot of Stephen King books, I’ve read a lot of The Bible, the Mormon Bible, the Satanic Bible, the Harbrace College Handbook, the Sports section of the paper, the KKK Membership Application, I have Doris Day’s autograph, along with Traci Lords,’ and Pee Wee Herman’s, and I have an autograph from Mike The Tiger. I think Roger McGuinn was more a more important artist than David Crosby, but I can’t understand why he would want to change his name from Jim to Roger. I mean, Jim to maybe Abdul Mohammed, or Jim to Jym even, but Jim to Roger, it just doesn’t make any sense. I like cats, I don’t hunt, but I have a lot of guns, a permit to carry a concealed weapon, and can shoot like a sniper on a rooftop. I have two Hummers, and I have owned a Corvette, a pickup truck, a cargo van and a Hyundai. I think people can really change, but child molesters can’t. I don’t like cheese, but I like pizza. I resent being required to give gifts on Hallmark Holidays, like Valentines Day, but I enjoy surprising my wife with flowers on a Tuesday. I workout, but don’t like doing it. I am lucky, but never win any Lottery money. The most worthless person I ever knew was Billy Dedon, the sweetest person I ever knew was Bucky. I’d rather a party barge than a cigarette boat, and I can do anything, anything on a jet ski. I think smoking cigarettes is the dumbest thing a grown person could ever do, except flunk first grade, Stacie. I am a pro-choice, anti-Democrat, I think it’s okay to hate and I would bring unspeakable harm to several people if there were no laws against it. I never speed, but I used to, I think money is a good thing to have, but I didn’t used to think that. My secret ingredient in Jimmy Burgers is sugar. Shhh…. I believe the most important three words a good parent says are “no, no, no” and, later, “I love you.“ I would die for my loved ones, but I don’t want to, a big house is better than a little one, I think artists are cool, I don’t have a tattoo and wonder why. When I watch football, I keep an eye on the free safety, and Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson could never be on my team, I’m glad for Sterling Marlin, I’d do Mary Ann, not Ginger, I’d beat the shit out of Donald Trump, and yes, I have watched The Real Housewives of Orange County. And liked it. DUI roadblocks are fascist, and so is random drug-testing in the workplace. My greatest fear is being a face in the crowd, and I am also afraid of wasps. Adults, sadly, take kid-sports way too seriously. I respect men like Bob Funderburk, I admire men like Robbie Chatelain. Whenever I am in a restaurant, the table closest to me will have a whiny child at it. I can say the alphabet backwards, and juggle while riding a unicycle. My favorite time of the year is winter, I hate the sand, but like being near the ocean, I wonder what it would be like to live in Iceland. Al Sharpton is a clown and Bob Dole is a good man. Years ago, I had a 140-pound Doberman named Omen and, not too long ago, a sweet little dog named Tootie. The saddest thing I ever saw was Ken Guidry that day, and I once saw a ghost, just once. I’d point at OJ in his jail cell and say, “ha ha ha.” I love riding my lawn tractor while I drink rum. I like to swim and consistently did low 23s in the 50 free….okay, mid-23s. I know that Crest has been shown to be an effective decay preventive dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care. I survived encephalitis and a 107.3 degree fever, am mostly left handed, have and am a fairly big dick, and want to be loved as I love. Next question.

Well, well, like, that‘s just great. Just go on and on, why don’tcha….. Thanks for ruining this interview. You ruined it.